Officially Yours

I’ve finally told my parents about him. Do you know what it’s like to keep your relationship a secret, while his side knows everything about you? It must be really hard, but being the secretive person that I am, I have no problem in keeping secrets for such a long time. But this was different. When you’re committed with someone, and made that truly legal, that’s the time it’s really hard to keep it a secret. Unless you weren’t that serious, of course.

What bothers me most is how he shows us of to his family and friends and I couldn’t do the same for a good reason that I won’t bother to broadcast on a public blog. I’m not a confiding person by nature, because I like to keep everything to myself. Pen and paper was and will always be my best friend. Because they don’t talk back, they don’t tell you what to do, they don’t judge you, and nobody would comment on them and nowadays social media had become a public diary, a trend that I won’t bother to join in.

So being with him, I decided to just vanished on my fb account. a few people who really cared asked me where I’ve been, and I didn’t explain much except that I was busy with work. Ha. yeah right.

Anyways just a few days ago, I gather my guts to open up to my mom and my sis, and with a few sermons, they accepted it because they have no choice but do so. I’m old enough, for god sake. And I’ve done worst in my life than having a Chinese boyfriend. I’m the little black sheep in the family, and yeah I accepted my uniqueness along time ago. If I didn’t love myself so much, my attempt of suicide years ago would be successful then.  That’s right. If you think nobody loves you, then that’s the time you should love yourself more, because if you don’t, nobody else will.

Sometimes, family would be the first people to torture you inside. Other people can hurt you, but not so much as your family could. It’s the worst torment of all and sad to say that I’ve experienced that hell, and that’s why I think no one else could hurt me the way I was hurt before. And that’s why I’m distant to my family. I think I’m rather close to my friends’ family than to my own, and if people knew the truth, they would just nod their head and say, yeah I got what you mean.

Anyway, that little reminiscent is still the worst memory of mine but I don’t know why I bother to mention it. Because maybe going back to Dubai really gives me the creep, all the bad memories, the nightmares coming back to hunt me. My guy thinks I love Dubai, but he have no idea it would be the last place I’d want to be, except that I have no choice but to go there because it’s the only place we could be together, for a certain reason.

I have a love-hate relationship about Dubai, maybe if it wasn’t for those people who tortured me emotionally, I won’t be as strong as I am now. Yet, nobody, not even my family, knew the scar they have given me there. I’m having such a cold feet about going back, sometimes, I just want to cancel every thing, and stay right here. But then there would be no future for me here in Phil. because without him, I see no future.

So, love is a compromise. I have to face my fears, and this time, I have to stand up for myself. It won’t be easy, but I have someone behind my back who would be there for me no matter what, and that’s what gives me the strength to face whatever, because I know every sacrifices now would be worth it for our future.

And most importantly…we’re official. That’s the best part of 2015. Other good things that will come this year is just like Cherry on top of an Ice cream, an extra pleasure for me to enjoy.

so I’m like ” tee hee, Honey, I’m officially yours now. You better take good care of me because there’s no turning back. We’re stuck to each other, forever.”

Let the year begin~

2015 is here and though the year is only starting, I’m not thrilled to face January or the upcoming months. I would love for December to freeze, but as time would have it, December passes too damn quickly. This might not be a very positive post of the day, but I just want to rant.

How could this be a good year when it means parting with someone you’d die just to be with, and yet you have no choice but to let it go because of your own naivety. It’s hard to fight FATE because in the end, it always win. No matter what you plan in months ahead, life has just have its own twisted way to make you not have YOUR way easy.

But am I the one to sit and cry just because of a few ordeals this year? Heck no. I’d fight to kill the loneliness that will creep me at the middle of the night, hugging the pillow in replace of someone so warm, fighting with tears in my eyes and the hope of a sooner reunion. I have at latest 2 months left to savor each moment, though it will be so hard, it’s my self-punishment for being so damn selfish, without any regard for consequences.

Thanks to a few years back, when I faced hell in life even before I’m ready for it, I’ve gotten strong, so strong that I think nothing could timber my will power. I’ve gotten use to my ill fortunes that I just laugh it off lol. And each year, life gives such a pleasant (and not SO pleasant) surprises that seemed so out of my league. But whatever, ranting done. Come, 2015, test me all you want!

I have the feeling that I’m going through a lot of stuff this year. But enough worries, and just enjoy the moment. Get smarter, stay beautiful (no matter what bitches sez) and be STRONGER: just some of my new year mantra.

So, let this year begin.

A December to Remember

Thrilling. Exciting. Scary and most of, happy.

That’s how I would describe my December this year.

A lot of things can change. In a day, life can change so drastically, just because of one single decision, one action, one word. It’s funny how life has always been that way, yet we are still, as always, surprised.

More than once in our lives, we’ll make big, reckless decisions.

That’s how my life changed. Just a few exchange words with someone, a really reckless, mindless (and some would even say, stupid)  decision, made my life changed, in ways that is beyond my wildest imagination. And I’ve never found myself this happy, despite the situation I’m in. I would, in fact, regret nothing of my past decisions, because in some odd, crazy, weird way, they all had led me right here, with the arms of someone I never thought I’d even date. Someone I think I could not live without, now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I know the usual murmurs of people who had read those lines. I’m fucking in love, alright? I used to be that someone who rolled my eyes every time I read those lines on facebook, or anywhere. I even hate Twilight because it shows two people really addicted to each other. Yeah, I write love stories, but I had not loved, until I bled, to the point of death. Not until about four months ago, when I started playing of the idea.

Until a certain, persistent, annoying, dominating, assuming, yet funny guy knocked on my qq acount. Someone who I never thought would go along way, from thousand of miles away, just to meet me.

I date. I play around. Like it really wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes, I think I just like to be attached to someone so I could write a really nice story about it, someone that could trigger my emotions and use that for writing purposes.

But now here I am, living with the most unusual love story of all, that I would be happy to repeat to my grandchildren over and over again. And if even I make a story out of my own personal life, I doubt people would believe it really happened. I still couldn’t believe it myself. I fall hard, even before I was ready.

Was that a mistake? If so, it would be the best mistake I ever made in my life.

I’ve always appreciated my mistake, my poor decisions, and my reckless actions. I don’t take much criticism on myself which I realized is actually a blessing. There are just some mistakes, bad decisions and mindless action that I’m glad I made, because without it, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I know, some would say I’m that naive. but would I let myself suffer today for some mistakes I did in the past? Hell no, life is too short for that. What we thought as a blessing today could turn as a cursed tomorrow. What we think as a good news today, could turn bad tomorrow. And what we never expect usually are the things that happens.We’ll never know and life is thrilling and scary that way. That’s why we have to savor every laughs that we’ll have. We all want to freeze the time with every happy moment of our lives, and because we can’t, we’ll just have to make the most when we make the happiest moments. if you make a mistake, learn from it, then live on. Move on.

Right now,  I’m curling with my guy on a cold day of December 24th 2014. It’s raining, for goodness sake and I don’t care if it’s Christmas but we won’t be going out. We both hate the rain and we both don’t like the cold weather. I don’t know what’s for dinner tonight, since I won’t be cooking. I burnt the breakfast this morning, so I doubt I’m allowed to touch the stove. But even if it’s just egg and bread, I guess tonight would be the best Christmas Eve I would ever celebrate in my life. My guy doesn’t give much importance on Christmas so we may watch movies together, or he would watch English movie and I would watch Chinese movie, while holding hands.

and that, my friends, is how I would celebrate Christmas this year. I may be far away from you my precious (Trixie, Carla, Anne, Charlene, Kristine and of course, Kyra) and to everyone, but I will always think of your with love.

Merry Christmas.

Begin Again

There will always be another chance to stand up after each fall, love once more after heartbreaks and to begin again after each ending.

Admitting you made a mistake takes effort and that’s what I just did. There will always be a good lesson for every bad situation.

Mission

september_sentense

September has began, and somehow people feel the nearing of December; the smell of cold wind makes us anticipate for the coming Christmas and everyone feels a mix of sadness and excitement. Sad, because time flies by so quickly for everyone. Excited, because life never fail to surprise us and we have yet to see what 2014 have for us.

September have got to be the best time of my year. Always. It seemed that opportunity knocks left and right around this time and it’s always my busiest time. The challenge life has stored for me this year makes me really strong, and more optimistic. It seemed that the path I have chosen this time had led me to isolation, because I feel alone in this journey. Like fighting a battle, alone. It’s so hard to accept it at first, but I’m beginning to see this as an opportunity to test how strong I am, to see who will be there for me and how much I really believe in myself. To know my limits… to know more about myself.

There’s a strong hatred that’s building up inside me. Hatred towards the people who are supposed to be there for me, who are supposed to give me the support that I’ll be needing. But have I always been a carefree naive girl because I know they will be always there for me? Maybe this is the best time to stand by my ground and really commit myself in my promises. Maybe this is a way of life to tell me something, to find out something.

I don’t want to hate, because hatred is such a strong feeling that I know one day will bring me down. I want to be someone who can always forgive people no matter what, because forgiveness make us live in peace. And I will always want peace in my sleep.

But sometimes, we have to do what it takes to give ourselves a good lesson – a lesson that we’ll never forget. And that’s what I’m doing right now. I want to know the different sides of betrayals to prepare my mind and my heart for everything that will be ahead of me.

I’m ready. I’m more than ready to face the challenges I’m about to come across with, and I know that in every challenge  I manage to survive, I will get stronger..

And I now have a clear mission in life: to make a difference, not to make myself known but  to be missed in this world when I’m gone.

Chinese Proficiency Test

august 21 2014

I woke up this afternoon asking myself how slow I was moving forward in my Chinese proficiency. While I admit there is no hurry to be fluent in Chinese mandarin, I did commit myself in a goal that by December of 2014, I would achieve at least a conversational fluency which is enough to use for my exchange language. I seem to be forgetting that because I was too busy thinking of ways to have more business that I had forgotten the commitments I made to myself. Thanks to constant reminders of my Chinese friends who are waiting for me to have time for them, I feel guilty that I’m falling behind my studies and disappointing a lot of people who would love to learn some English in exchange for Chinese lessons.

So, I will get back on tract again, while I still can catch up but before doing that I tested myself how much I know using online CPT. The result didn’t made me happy nor sad. I could say it’s mama-huhu (so-so) because I know I could have done better if I was as keen as I used to be in self-studying.

Online schooling will teach you how to manage your time and how to be committed. At school, we learn to blame the teachers or our classmates if we fail, but online schooling taught me that no one is responsible for your own education but yourself. If you have discipline, know your priorities and take responsibility in what you do, you can get a good grade. If not, well… you know there’s no one to blame. 

Well, enough guilt and self-blame. I guess I gotta do what I can to catch up. Can you believe that it’s almost -ber months and in a few more months… it will be a new year? Time will never stop for no one. Do what you can do day. Because sometimes “later” becomes “never”.

Anyway, anyone wants to exchange language with me? If you know the standard mandarin, I’ll be happy to make another friend and learn from one another. thanks!

 

 

No pain. No gain.

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There is no such thing as easy in this world. If you want something bad, you have to do something to get it. It’s funny how human crave for something they don’t have, while someone else is wishing to be in their place.

While we remind ourselves to be satisfied for what we have, we still work on gaining what we don’t have, and if we want them really bad, we are willing to make sacrifices.

I would never forget the day that I gave my all and made sacrifices just to have a better tomorrow. But I know that a year from now, I would thank myself for not listening to what people say, for taking the risk, for trying, for not giving up. There are just some days you are filled with emotions; that moment when you  just want to stop dreaming, give up and just be satisfied for what you have: A shelter, clothes, enough food, and warm family.

But when we have a shelter, we want it to be in our name. When we have food, we want it to be delicious. When we have clothes, we want it to be stylish, or at least presentable. And when we have a warm family… we want to give them the best that we can give them.

So why be satisfied when you know you can have better with just a little pain and hard work…or may be more?

This morning, I heard my dad matter a complain about life. I told him to better get to work because I don’t want to listen to such negativity. While you don’t have what you are  trying to get, stop complaining and instead work on them. It would make you productive and less negative. I know people think I dream so big, it’s ridiculous. But please, dreaming is the only free in this world and if you still deprive yourself of it, then you are missing something that makes life a little bit more meaningful.

And you can only stop dreaming when you start doing it. Every accomplishments start with the decision to try… what’s the lost in trying anyway? It will either get you there, or you will learn something that will get you there. Besides, if there’s no pain, there’s no gain.

Happy trying 🙂