Archive | May 2014

Together Again

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Friends are HARD to FIND. In a lifetime you will only get a FEW and when you FIND them you know them by sight and HEART alone, you always grow a little taller in your SOUL and you know you have been blessed just to KNOW them.”

Reunion with friends has always been my favorite stress reliever! Not only it gives me good vibes but it also helps me remember the good things in life are simple things and good friends.

It was about time to have a reunion with my two high school best friends; Charlene Alvarez and Kristen Anne Yu, who were also my first best friends in the Philippines. We go way back 3 years ago. We called each other ‘Bhie’ which is one of the sweetest nickname I am called until now. Our Friendship was so deep we don’t need everyday communication, all we have to do to rekindle our old friendship was a night of sleeping together and it felt like nothing changed between us.

It was funny how things go by fast, we changed since then and yet it felt like it was only yesterday when we last saw each other. Our friendship was so unique I have to look at our photos to be sure that what we did really happened.

The night before the three of us can finally be together, none of us actually feel asleep that the next day we both have dark rings around our eyes.

So what is really going on in girls sleepover? It’s always talk and more talk about the most serious thing in life and nothing in particular. We just want to listen to each other’s story. A few drama here and there and saying how we miss each other… while eating junk foods without guilt!

Thanks my dearest Bhies. you girls had been my sanctuary when I need it the most. Hope we grow old together with our friendship. 🙂

 

 

The red letter

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Kev,

It’s Leslie. But of course… I don’t need to say that because I’m the only one who calls you Kev even though your name is Gavin. I know I shouldn’t be writing to you since you called it over six months ago. I know what you have in your mind… you’re probably swearing when you’re reading this, thinking, here’s the obsess woman again who wouldn’t let you go for breaking up with her.Here’s another letter again that I sent for the 100th times. But Kev, don’t exaggerate. This is only my 17th letter for you this month. Yes, I counted and memorized all of the letters I sent to you because every letters took an ounce of blood and sweat for me to write, despite knowing that you would never read it and will just throw it in a  trash bin near you. NO… don’t scramble this letter yet because only to you would I tell where my body could be found when you received this letter. So please, hear me out…let this letter be the last one you read. 

If you’re wondering why this letter is too red to read… it’s because I wrote my own blood carefully to write my last letter to you. I remembered your favorite letter was red. I remembered how gorgeous you looked on our first date when you were wearing your red shirts and tan shorts. I didn’t forget the first flower you gave me was a red rose and the first shoes you ever bought for me were also red. So let this last letter be in red.

And If you’re curious why there’s too much smudges, I’m sorry but I couldn’t find a straight surface to write because I’m laying in a dark place and I can’t see much. But I tried to write the best way I could.  I’m finding it hard to breathe. It’s very dark and tiny here, but I know that I would fit because I once hid here when we played hide and seek one time. This is the most romantic place to die, and it would be the most romantic death if you were the one to find me. And I made sure that only you could find me.

I know that you were out of town on weekends and that’s when I decided to come here last Friday. I bought a blade to cut my legs for my ink… I cannot die without finishing my letter first. I wanna make sure to express that no one would ever love you the way I have loved you.

Throughout the years I’ve loved you from which I could remember since I met you, life has taught me so much; I learned a lot. I understand more than I could ever admit. Now that I’m older; I ought to know better. Why the need for love if it hurts? Why hurt that person you love? Why need to be hurt at all if there’s love? The longer I spent time with you, the more questions I have; too many questions, so little answers. Doubts were the reason you left me, the reason I cried every night, caused of too much pain has led me to the pit of hatred; where no lights can be seen and you weren’t there to help me up from it. I tried to shout and used all the voice I have but I could only hear my echo repeatedly saying I need you.

There’s a way to get out nevertheless I’m blinded by my overwhelming feelings for you and only you. No love feeds my heart full and care that satisfies my thirst like you do. My soul ran out empty until only despair is left to move me. Fear of rejection has stopped me from asking you for help; For I was more than twice disappointed from the love I asked for; tired of looking pathetic, oh that shameful look. Every time I ask for something you can’t possibly give. I tried to fill this loneliness by loving someone else. I forgot I was the one longing for it, needing it.

My need for you is like water that kept drowning me until I couldn’t breathe no more; I have lost my energy to fight, all my will to survive. This pain is so deep, I wished it could stop. Why, even death is the only escape I found. This isn’t the solution I want but at least it would stop, Stop the anguish of grief, and hopefully loose the love I have for you. I can no longer bear this torture you have for me, this persistent need can only be fulfilled by you…and only you.

I’m slowly losing my consciousness… probably because I’ve lost too much blood by now by slashing my wrists. It didn’t hurt after all. It was scary at first…but then I got used to the blood and the anticipation that when you get back here, my blood would be all over your hands, it was enough to excite my blood from squirting. Now I know how a single blade could be so sharp to take one’s life slowly but I could feel happiness will be with me soon because a world without you is happiness.

If you’re still wondering where I would be found, why don’t you look inside the big trunk in your closet, where you said you put those toys that you valued when you were young? I decided to die here because I was only a toy to you, after all. I had put my last energy to get this to your favorite white suit so you can notice the redness of my blood once you get home and go to your closet to change. I will carefully lock the trunk while waiting for my last breath to stop. I’m a bit worried though, on how would I look after two days? Would I look as ugly as you made feel or rotted as you left me?

I hope that when I’m gone, all of your memories will be gone too… only then would I have found real peace in the after life.

Forever yours,

Leslie

Where nobody knows

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‘Let’s go’ I softly whispered to him.

We were lying in the bed comfortably, in a hotel where we spent our first night together. He looked at me, confused. I laughed softly and playfully tugged his arm around mine.

‘Where do you wanna go?’ he put his hand to support his head, playing with my hair with his other hand.

‘Somewhere…where nobody knows our name’ I giggled.

He chuckled, ‘But I don’t even know your name. ‘

Oh right. I almost forgot where I am, but I sure as hell don’t know who the guy is. We met last night in a club, in Baguio where I decided to escape reality for a while with my two girlfriends; dancing our heart away, forgetting who we are, drinking till we drop and flirted to our hearts content. I recalled how drunk and wasted I was, of how happy I was more than I had ever been in my entire life.

The City of Baguio is a highly urbanized city located in the province of Benguet in northern Luzon island of the Philippines. The city has become the center of business and commerce. It’s also very popular to tourism because of its great views and cold weather, unlike most part in the Philippines where it’s really, really hot in summer.

I only remembered I was on my way to the comfort room and bumped into him. He was tall, white and handsome. He made me apologize for clumsily bumping into him by buying me a drink   We talked, we laughed, we kissed and the next thing I remembered was waking up in a strange room next to him; I barely remembered how I got there and ended up with him.

‘It doesn’t matter.’  I told him, kissed him slowly, and looked deeply into his hazel eyes.   ‘We’re having fun. And that’s all that matters.’

 

‘The name’s Nick. What’s yours?’ he asked anyway.

‘Kate.’ I answered.

‘Is that your real name?’

‘No,’  I said flatly. ‘But I like it. So you can call me Kate.’

‘Okay, Katie…’ he said, starting to get up and revealing his nakedness. ‘So, don’t you plan to go to your hotel first?’

‘Nope. I want to stay here for awhile if you don’t mind’

“Of course I don’t. You came here alone?”

“Nope, I’m with some friends.  And God knows where they are.’

He chuckled.

‘So do you wanna go on a date?’

‘Sure.’  Had sex first and then ask her out; Guys romance 101. ‘Where to?’

‘Where nobody knows our name’ he answered, doing a bad job mimicking my previous answer.

We took turn in the shower room, got dress and went out in the hotel.  Just that. Spontaneous get-away with this stranger next to me is almost as ecstatic as falling in love.

But we’re not. We’re just having fun together. Were not in love and we both know it, we both know that maybe tomorrow or the next day he’ll be with someone new and I’ll meet someone else.

And that’s how this thing should be; no commitments, no drama and definitely no heartbreaks. I didn’t come here to fall in love and break into pieces again. I came here to be somebody, even just for a few days. I came here to forget who I am. Forget the rules. Forget my heartaches.

But that day, I realized what a nice guy he really was. I find him quite interesting, smart and knew how to be a great company. He’s an interior designer who came to spend sometime in Baguio because a client wanted him to design a hotel. If he agreed to the project, he might stay for a year to finish his design and have people start working on the plan design.

Aside from being good in bed, Nick was also good in conversation. In fact, since this was my first time in Baguio, he toured me around the place; he was a great tourist guide. Despite him growing up in Finland, he knew the place very well. He said he’d been to Baguio and many parts of the Philippines because of his job. That day I observed how elegant he speak and how smooth he moves, like when we went in a restaurant to have lunch, he swiftly pulled back the chair and let me sit. Or when he orders, he suggested the best food to order which is a good thing for I hardly care about what I eat, as long as it’s food. Or when we walk, he would wait for me as I would stop to look at something. He would walk according to my phase and he never left me behind. He would always ask me what I want rather than tell me what I should want. He made me feel like I had his attention and nothing else. It felt so natural being with him and feels like I had known him for a long time.

In the evening we talked around the pool in the hotel were we decide to spend another night. We both clicked in personalities. His funny nature suit my humor and my thirst for a crazy adventure suit his boredom. He came to Baguio for a business trip. Soon, he said, he has to go back in Finland, where he was born and raised.

That night we spent the whole evening talking under the moon until sunset.  We talked about everything; I never thought a guy could talk so much. He even out-talked me sometimes and that surprised me.  After that night, what I considered a one night stand began to be something more. We began to see each other every night, drinking together, talking and explored Baguio.  In the few days I spent with him, I realized how much I liked being in his company, much to my dismay because I wasn’t just ready to like someone so soon.

I guess at first we were just both looking for escape. He wanted a company and I gave him that, I wanted a conversation and he provided a good conversation. There are only few men who can handle a good conversation with a smart-ass woman, talking about nothing in particular, something deep, and something hurting. He opened up more than I ever expected for a man and I listened with care without realizing it. To him, I was just Kate; funny, spontaneous and crazy while he revealed everything about him without me asking for it.

My real name is Casey Gomez. I look after my family business.  I came in Baguio with my two girlfriends who felt stuck as I was in life. We came here for escape. To get laid. To get high. To get crazy. My life back in Manila was totally different. In Manila I was known for being workaholic. Once I began to work, I see nothing else. That’s why my boyfriend whom I dated for two years felt bored in our relationship and apparently he cheated with the person I trusted the most, who was obviously way more fun than I am.

That’s when I realized how everyone was using me to their advantage. When somebody wanted my help, I help. When somebody asked me to do extra work, I do it without another word. When my mom called me on Valentines Day to go abroad and deal with a business in her place, I gave up my date. When my mom told me to give up journalism and take business course instead, I gave up the only thing I found passionate about. When I met Jason, my ex, I though I found a bit of order. He’s the one who have to decide for everything I do.  I was like a robot to everyone else. And it was my fault that I let them take the control

So when Jason said he was sleeping with my best friends for 6 months and they wanted to get married soon, I smiled, instead of crying. Because I finally realized how stupid I was for letting everyone step on me. That realization was heart breaking more than the break-up. I realized that for a long time, I actually don’t love him. I was only looking for someone who would tell me what to do as I had lost the will to decide for myself.

So after that, I decided to do the craziest thing I will ever do in my life. I went online, meet two random girls and invited them to go on a trip. The purpose of our spontaneous trip was to forget who we are for a few days; to forget about our demanding job, our demanding monotonous daily routine, to forget our problems;  to go somewhere where nobody gives a damn about what we do, somewhere where nobody knows us.

It turn out that the two girls I met through online are not bad. But like me, they just want to be someone else in another place. We decided to use fake names to call each other for security purposes…and became best friends overnight; Shana was in medicine field and only a year older than I am. She doesn’t like medicine but because all of her family had a medical degree, she too had to get one. But she was really into fashion and wanted to become a fashion designer. She felt suffocated at home because whatever she does wasn’t enough to impress her family. She always has to play the good girl in the family and hardly ever had a chance to speak up or express herself. While Pauline is a girl three years older than I am and has a more serious complicated problem. She found out that she was never to have a baby just two weeks before getting married to her fiancé. This was a bog issue as she is a Filipino-Chinese and her fiancé was a pure Chinese guy, whom she met in a speed dating four years ago. He left her and let go of their four years relationship because his family couldn’t accept a daughter-in-law who can’t give them grandchildren.

Our first night together using our names, we finally felt free, not caring what anyone would think. Shana is actually a wild girl and Pauline is a heavy drinker, while I loosened up about being such a virgin and have one night stands to any guy that would take me in a room.

Two weeks. That’s how long we agreed to do the craziest things to do. And we knew that when we go back to Manila, we won’t be the same person again. We loosened up. We changed numbers, changed names, and changed ourselves to become the monster we never dared to be. And in doing so, we discovered so much about ourselves that we never knew existed before.

After three nights of being with Nick, I decided to go back to the hotel I’m staying with my two new friends. I got home and saw my two girls dancing naked, in the shower. I laughed and felt relieved in seeing them have so much fun and I joined them, stripping myself naked too.

‘Wow’ Shana exclaimed after our shower dance. We were in the bed room with no clothes on, popcorns and junk foods everywhere. The room was a complete mess; I was surprised that no animals live with us.

‘What?’ Pauline asked.

‘I never thought of doing all this.’  Shana explained. ‘All my life, people dictates me of what I should do… who I should be… and I never, ever thought I would be right here, with two crazy strangers….naked…and yet… I never felt this happy. I feel so free I could die.’

‘Yeah?’ I said. ‘Well, I never thought to dance naked with two girls. Hey, none of you are lesbians right? Gawd, please tell me,’

‘No…but it’s not hard to become one. You two are hot as hell’ Pauline teased, with spark in her eyes. A week ago… I only saw a depressed girl. But how fast one could change?

‘You know what, bitches?’ Shana said, ‘You two are the best thing that ever happened to me.’

We giggled in agreement, like fourth graders.

‘Hey, how you doin with that guy?’ Pauline asked.

‘Food is good. Place is good. And the sex was so good,’ I answered, with exaggerated truth.

‘How do you feel about him?’ Shana asked. I could tell that they are concerned. Concerned that I might fall in love and then be hurt. Then all this will be for nothing.

‘So-so. I guess. I know this will end soon so you know… just enjoying what we have.’

‘And?’ they both asked in unison.

‘And that’s it. Maybe I like him more than I admit…but honestly I don’t give a shit anymore. He’s leaving soon, anyway. And I feel that I can handle this. I got stronger because of this and what had happened.’ I assured them

We,’ Pauline corrected. ‘We got stronger because of the shits that had happened’

‘You are so crazy to think of this idea’ Shana said, looking at me. ‘I mean, you are the reason why this all happened. I feel so different. Stronger. And I know when I get home; I know what I should do.’

And she was right, for I know when I get back home; I know what I should do too. I’ll be crazier than I had been here: I’ll be who I am, for real. I’ll continue my job but this time, with balance. I will enroll in journalism and I’ll get back to writing again. I had no idea how much I missed doing it because I was too busy doing everything for everyone that I had forgotten to feed my soul with my own passion and dreams.

I stood up, put my hand with a bottle of vodka and said, ‘bitches, let’s fuck life from now. Let’s show everyone that they can’t mess with us anymore. And most of, let those sorry assholes go and let’s just love ourselves first.’

They got up with their own bottle of vodka, tossed it with mine and got drunk till sunrise.

‘You can’t give love if you don’t have love’ Shana said mimicking a quote.

‘Hear, hear’ Pauline and I agreed.

**

I woke up really with a splitting head ached the next day. If nor for my phone ringing, I wouldn’t even be up so soon.

Who could have my new number?

‘lo?’

‘There you are. I was calling you all night last night. You didn’t pick up my calls. Where were you?’ it was Nick.

‘I’m…home.’ I answered half-sleepy. ‘Why are you calling me last night?’

‘I just thought to drop by your hotel. You left something here.’

‘What?’

‘Your ID’ my eyes opened wide. Oh, shoot. ‘When did you get that?’

 

‘The first night we slept together?’ He chuckled. ‘We can’t check in a hotel without ID. You were so drunk so I had to get it myself from your bag.’

‘Oh.’ I felt my cheeks redden. ‘Well. Now you know my name.’

‘I like Kate. Or Casey. Whichever.’

I rolled my eyes, ‘yeah whatever. Well, give it back when I see you next time.’

‘How about tonight?’

‘Can’t . I have to do some major cleaning with the roommates. The place almost looks like a jungle; all we’re missing out are monkeys.’

‘Alright.’ He chuckled. ‘Well you sound strange though.’

‘My head hurt.’

‘What’s wrong?’ He asked, sounding concern.

‘Hangover.’

‘uh-huh.  Club?’

‘Nah, just here. Just with the girls.’

‘Haha… alright. Well, I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Happy cleaning’. He was gone on the line but my smile didn’t till I felt four pairs of eyes were staring right at me.

‘What?’

‘Cleaning?’ Shana asked, in disbelief. ‘Are you serious? We’ll leave tomorrow morning.’

‘Believe me I know.’ I said in mock seriousness.

‘What you going to do? I think you like this guy.’ Pauline sounded out.

‘Sort of. But we lived in a different world.’ I admitted, much to my disappointed.

‘Aren’t you going to say goodbye at least?’ Shana wanted to know.

I bit my lips. ‘Maybe,’ I whispered out loud.

He was leaving for Finland and I won’t be the girl who will chase him just because of this fling. What happened between us was short and sweet. Memorable, if I may say. But I have things to do and he’s got a life. It’s sad but I’m somehow relieved that I could end it with smile on my face. I never hope for us to last anyway.

We spent the day relaxing, preparing to leave and making the most of our last day. We cut our hair and dyed it. I wanted to have a complete different aura when I got back so the girls and I shopped… throwing my dull, boring clothes and replacing with colorful dresses. Each of us has a changed of heart. We’re ready to go back and face reality. Nobody knew back home where we were. Shana and I lives in Makati, the business district of Philippines, and Pauline lives in Las Pińas, an hour away from Makati.

Shana will quit practicing Medicine. She and I decided to rent a flat together in Makati.  She knew that her parents will hate her guts for it, but decided that it was time she live for her life. I will still do my family’s business…while doing something I love. I did so much for my parents and now is the time to pay more attention to myself.

Pauline doesn’t know how to face her family yet but I think she will be able to handle it. She said she’s planning to stay as far away as possible to forget the hurt. She might go to London and find more about herself. She wanted to study arts for a long time and maybe it will help her in finding herself. Of course, it’s needless to say that she will stay in touch with us.

Our short friendship healed us in the most unexpectedly way. It’s amazing how sometimes the people whom we’ve known for only a short amount of time have a bigger impact on us than those we’ve known forever. Once you let someone see all the bad things in you and accept them, you began to love yourself more.

That same night after spending my last day with the girls, I decided to put an end to my short fling. I made a surprised visit to Nick that late night. He was standing looking at a far distance of his window view; he looked gorgeous in his half-naked body while drinking his juice. I sneaked from his back and gave him a quick kiss much to his surprise.

‘Hey, I thought you were busy cleaning.’ He kissed back.

‘Cleaning. Shweaning.’ I smiled.

Tonight will be my last night with him. I would like to say goodbye, thank him for everything he made me feel. At least, even for a short time, I felt being taken care of and loved.  As I look at him, I was happy to meet him… and will happily say goodbye.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, looking right back at me.

‘Kiss me’ I whispered. He kissed me softly, his tongue moving against mine, his hands slowly caressing my back, undoing my bra. I gasped in anticipation as he moved his tongue to my ears, my neck, my everywhere. He pushed me up against the walls, eyes closed, we both found our hands stripping each other quickly, taking me to another world of passion as I felt his hardness in between my legs, moving back and forth faster and faster.

‘That was good’ he finally said.

‘Yeah, it was great.’ We fell in deep silence.

‘You seemed strange tonight’ Nick finally said. ‘I’m not complaining. This has been great. But I just feel something’s not right about you tonight.’ He said touching my lips.

I smiled at how he pays attention to every little thing. We only went out for a few days and he could already read me.

‘Nothing’s wrong… really.” I assured him.

‘Let’s sleep.’ I suggested. ‘I have to go back in the condo tomorrow. I didn’t tell the girls I was here.’

‘Where else would you be?’ he embraced me closed to him. He held my hand and brushed my hair until I had made him believe I fell asleep.  I studied his face, the line of his nose, felt his lips in my fingertips until I was sure that he’s sleeping deeply, I slowly pulled my hands in his grasped and found some pen and paper. I looked at the clock wall next to me; it says 2:00 am. Two hours before my flight to Manila.

Nick,

It was great to know you. The past days with you had been my heaven. I will miss you more than I wanted to admit. Do you remember that day when you took me to the hills and you put up my hands in air and said to be free? I told you I came here to escape for awhile. But I cannot run away from reality forever. I have to go back and deal with it. I thank fate for letting us meet. I’m glad to spend my last night here with you. You’re a great guy. I wish you well on your success. I realized that anyone would not find it hard to fall in love with you. I know you’re going back to Finland soon so I didn’t really hope for us to last. Thank you for making me feel special even for only a short time, it was the first time I felt being loved. Now I’m glad to part with you this way. Good luck with everything.

  1. S Don’t call. Delete my number in your contact. I’ll never use it anymore.

 

I slowly folded the paper and put it carefully where I know it can be noticed easily. I dressed up, took a one last glance to the man who gave me more than adventure and silently left without remorse.

Our flight to Manila would be at 4:00 o’clock in the morning. So Shana and Pauline decided to meet me in the Airport with the courtesy of bringing my baggage. It wasn’t a surprised. I made such good friends that I know I can depend on. And since we know each other’s monster… we were able to conquer our greatest enemy together: fear, the fear of going after what we want because we were afraid to hurt our love ones.

I saw them in the Airport, looking relax, happy and glowing. We know that when we come back, everyone would judge us for doing what we did here but we don’t care about that anymore. We went somewhere, where nobody knows us and we felt freedom. Now we’re not the same person who arrived here two weeks ago.

We are Kate, Shana, and Pauline; stronger, crazy, spontaneous, and doesn’t care a goddamn thing about other people. We are going to do out because we chose to, not because we were told to do so.

‘Alright bitches, here we are.’ I announced when we got to Manila Airport.

 

‘Yeah… it’s good to be back’ Shana said.

‘Too good. Now everyone would make such a big deal, I’m excited to see their faces flare up in anger’ Pauline giggled.

‘So, this is where we separate. Don’t forget to call and update me, okay? And remember if anything goes wrong… I’m just here.’ I finally said.

‘It was good to know you Kate. Let’s stay friends.’ Shana said.

‘Forever’ Pauline and I said in unison.

 

3 months later.

I finally enrolled in a university, while taking care of my family business. I moved out with Shana in Makati. Pauline found her calling in art and she’s actually doing some modeling, much to our parents’ disgust. But we made it to a point that no one could ever control us the way we were controlled before. This time, we know for sure that we’ll make mistakes, but our own mistakes, not someone else.

When I got back to Manila three months ago, with my short dyed hair and my lacy dresses, everyone looked at me like they saw a ghost. My mother cried and my father hit me. But I faced them with a smile, not a bit of regret or anger in my heart.

At work, it was too different, but I made sure to get my way. I never work over time anymore and hired a personal assistant named Rachel who would replace me when I’m too busy for my classes. Jason and my friend Meena got married. I attended and show my best… and I thanked Jason for what he did, much to his surprise. Sometimes, I know people talk behind my back but then I know I have gained self-respect and I found some people who stood behind me, who respect my decision and was proud of what I did. I found who my real friends are when my parents kicked me out from home. I moved out with Shana and I was never happier to have someone behind my back who would give me full support. Sometimes, I think I’m too in love with life to hate anyone anymore.

After a few weeks of never really talking to either of my parents, they called me and reconciled with me. They said they still hope for me to come to my senses. For now, they will just let me be. So I guess it would only take years for them to realize that I’m not their little girl any longer.

In life, we are entitled to have our own share of regrets. If I found myself afraid of taking risk, I remembered how it’s like being afraid of everything else, and then I reminisce my Baguio days where we just do our thing and it gave strength to try something new.

My thoughts flown far away only to have it back by a knock from my door.

‘Come in’ I called.

Rachel, my PA came in with big bouquet of flowers in her hands. ‘Happy birthday.’ She greeted me with a big smile.

Today is my birthday.  I’m 24 this year and I planned to spend it with my two girls. Pauline already arrived in Manila this morning and was now staying in our flat for the mean time.

‘Oh, my god! These are gorgeous. Thanks, Rach’

‘Oh, that’s not from me’ Rachel said, taking out something else. ‘This is from me.’ It was a book, I could tell from the shape and hardness of it.

‘oh, thanks. But who’s this from?’

Rachel shrugged. ‘Don’t know. A girl delivered that and said she have something big for you.’

I shook my head, real touched. “This is from my two girls” I told her before she headed out to the door.  I found that there’s a little note with it.

I opened the letter;

Kate,

Well, I want to surprise you. Happy birthday!

 I want you to know that I intended to wait for this time just to ask How dare you leave me naked in that hotel, with only a piece of paper to bid farewell? I thought you are a brave woman. But it turns out that I’m wrong. You’re a coward. You’re coward to love again. And you actually forgot to say ‘Goodbye’!

And to think you ordered me to delete your contact number? Well, I’m sorry but I decided to also do what I want. You taught me how. So I’m back; this time… to get what I want. And you will help me get it.

See you downstairs. I’ll be waiting.

 

A smile spread across my face.

Insomnia

“Old habits die hard”

It’s back again.

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For a few weeks I was successful in getting my sleep right. That is, sleeping when most people are sleeping and waking up when most people are supposed to be up. I knew it wouldn’t last long though because apparently, ideas just flow in the most unusual time. 

Insomnia had been my long time problem ever since I can remember. It’s off and on. Some days it’s just persistent specially when I’m extremely over-inspired or over stress.  And some days it  just went off.

And a few nights from today, it’s on again. It’s a good thing that I just happen to be overly inspired over my new friend, the story I’m working on and my new writing habit.

My routine everyday is wake at 9am, have brunch, write/edit/email friends, talk to some people via skype, sleep in the afternoon, wake up at around 7pm in time for dinner, learn something, check my email, exchange language to some of my online friends, write again and sleep whenever it came (which is a long wait) and repeat. Exceptional days are when I’m out with friends which is something that only once in a blue moon.

Most people are worried about it, but my family is used in seeing me up all night and still up all day, sleeping a few hours and then getting back to my business again. Some people said I have too much free time in my hand.

But really, I’m someone who wants to handle my own time. That’s why I enrolled in an online university (despite having so many universities near my home) and if I decide to work, I find a home-based job. Some people are not really up doing what normal people does. I consider myself as someone who’s not up to do what normal people do, because I can completely make a decision and no one will have a say in it. Not my mom or my dad. It’s not about being a filial daughter… or being a disobedient one.  it’s just doing something different. I normally do something that is quite out of the box. Some people call it spontaneity, others call it weirdness. My parents accepted this about me along time ago, so I’m not easily affected by what anyone have to say. If I’m not doing anyone harm, why should I care if people call me a bit too lax about my life, especially if I’m not doing anything any harm to anyone?

Once you realize that no one can make decisions for you but yourself,  that no one is responsible for your own happiness but yourself, you begin to take in charge and voice out what you want, even if it means being a little bit different than the rest. I don’t want to be someone who complain about where I am or what I do when I know that I can do something to change it. I’m the least person to complain and I’m most likely to do something when I feel that I can’t tolerate it any longer. All it takes is a courage to be who you are.

If you wanna be a writer, go ahead. Write. If you wanna be a singer, go ahead, sing. If you wanna travel, go ahead… travel. If you wanna be a good-for-nothing, you already are…just kidding.. but whatever it is you want to be and you are still not doing it… you better ask yourself what is it that stopping you from your passion or from things you wanna do? Is it family pressure? friends? money? What? If there’s a will, there’s a way. If you want something enough, you’ll go do it. If you didn’t get it, it only means you didn’t try enough. Stop making excuses. 

Remember that whatever you do today will have a big impact on your tomorrow, that whatever you do today is completely up to you.

I’ve read enough books, watched too many movies, talk to a lot of people… and the happiest people go after what they want, what they really want inside their heart, all of them have obstacles they have overcome but they cut through it. If you want an easy life, you’ll never get it. Accept that and you’ll see better days.

My insomnia is part of my creative routine, without it, I’m mostly blank by day…that I can’t even edit much. Even when I have classes and work is very hectic, I make sometime for my passion, hobbies or things that will give me a reason to wake up with a smile and sleep soundly knowing that today I did something I want, I did something for myself, and I made a small step to be a little closer to where I want to be. 

Classes will start soon and my schedule will look like hell but oh well, at least I’m making the best out of my free time. Editing on my short stories, I can’t believe there’s too much editing to do. Excited to post my short stories here at last. Watch out for them!

Role Model

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I’ve learned a very important lesson today.

I had been longing to find a role mode for a long time.You know,  someone you can look up, someone that can inspire you and someone that is willing to share their wisdom to you. And today I believe I found her.

I met inspiring people that really moved  me and really inspired me before but it’s a gem to find someone that would actually be everything you wish to become when you reach a certain age.

“Conversation is a form of interactive, spontaneous communication between two or more people who are following rules of etiquette. It is a polite give and take of subjects thought of by people talking with each other for company” – Wikipedia

Conversation is my favorite part of communication; strangers become friends, friends become best friends, and there’s just a lot of things to find out and learn from someone in a conversation, if you know how to deliver it well.

Today was another good talk with my new friend, Miriam. How can I describe such an amazing woman?

I’m lost for words.

Have you ever meet someone that will improve the way you think? Someone that would make you want to become a better person? Someone that makes you feel like you want to be the striking mirror of her thoughts?

For years I have searched for someone that would have the same thought as I am… it has been a hard search. But how did I get this lucky to have met such an extraordinary person in the most unlikely way? Well I don’t know.

My conversation today with Miriam made my day a complete bliss. I can’t comprehend nor express half of what I feel, of how happy, overwhelmed and surprised I am to have someone think the same way as I think… and she’s 100 times better. smarter (of course) and she’s exactly the person I wanted to become. My exact role model.

Being a (self-proclaimed) writer, I always thought that I think differently than everyone else. Sometimes I wonder if I see the world as how other see it. Sometimes, I think it’s just me being born in a wrong era… or I’m just too plain weird to think so. I tried acting to be normal, or to at least, sound my age but when I meet people who trigger the deeper part of me, I can’t help but show that part of me I’m trying to hard to most people because I don’t want to be judged as an old thinker. But in reality… I am.

But I’m not ashamed of that anymore. Like I said, I learned a new lesson. And much more. I learned that learning is a continuous part of life, that just because you have a master degree, or Ph. D or because you know enough doesn’t mean you will stop there. There is so much to life than a single life can handle.

I thought that when my hair becomes white, after I achieved my dreams and had gone through so much, I would want to spend my days sitting in a garden full of flowers, sipping coffee and indulged in a thick fat book… that’s how I picture myself, but that changed now.

Miriam is such an energetic person. Her words, her wisdom, her life journey. and the things she achieved didn’t made her a person contented to sit under the sun and sip a coffee thinking her time has already passed for her to indulged in other activities or know more. Having a happy marriage with a  15 year-old daughter, she didn’t think it would end her adventures in life. In fact, in my opinion, I think it’s the best time to enjoy such pleasure with such wisdom. She attends an English class, teach Chinese cultures and history. attending yoga, hiking and be a cool mother all at the same time!

I want to grow old thinking the way she thinks… but of course, I know that everyone has their own journey to take, stories to tell and mistakes to make. But I’d want to be an inspiration to someone, touch their life by merely being a small part in it and change them for the better just like the way this amazing lady inspired me and made me want to become a better person.

I don’t care how long it will take me to become that person, but I know I’m going to have fun challenging myself from now.

Gotta go

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Finally. I can officially say I’m awesome! lol… After going through a complicated relationship where I don’t know if I’m taken, engaged or just taken for granted, I finally know where I stand.

Relationship isn’t easy. It’s not a game that you play, or pretend you’re in. It consumes time, needs understanding, and it’s for mature people. It takes two to tango, and for relationship to work, both of you need to do something to make it work.

I never regretted a relationship no matter how bad it turned out to be. I see it as just another lesson. Spending time to get to know someone, liking them more and more as you get to know them and sharing something special is never a waste.

Someone told me that once you see a bad relationship, break it up as soon as possible. but I guess it’s okay to give it a second try if you think it’s worth it. The problem with women is they try to fix broken pieces even though they know it would be next to impossible, they still try so much for the sake of love. We are all foolish when in comes to love, nobody is to judge; all we have to keep in mind is to remember the lesson it gave us.

And for you, silly guy,  it was nice to meet you, to know you and to share a special bond with you. I’ll surely miss the times we shared but it’s time to move on… it was great to know a good guy like you and I hope we both found someone who can fulfill what each of us failed to do so.

Gotta go.

Hello, May

May 1st, 3am

Today is the first day of the month and it already rained last night. Rainy season is almost here, so I’ll probably spend most of the time inside home. I hate the rain. I hate the wet ground, the cold misty wind, and the sad feeling it brings. It makes me so lazy to move I just want to hide away and hibernate in darkness. As much as I hate the rain, I love the happy memories it brings. I remember a certain person who just dance whenever it rains. Well sure, grow up in Middle east and you will appreciate the rain as it only rains there for two or three times a year. Imagine that.  But if you’ve been in a tropical island and you’ve stayed long enough… you’ll be terrified of the ominous feeling the rain could bring.

Anyway… what is it with women and birthdays? Why do I feel so… moody every time my birthday is nearing? Is this the fear of getting old? A few years ago I was always excited about my birthday. I couldn’t wait to be 18 years old, move out from home, drink, dance and just do my thing. When I did all that, I feel so… bored with it. I never understand how drinking and going to clubs are a fun way to spend the night with your boyfriend while he’s kissing some random bitch; getting home at 4am and feeling so wasted that you can’t do a thing the next day because of a hangover. I realized soon enough that it’s just so not me to get out there. I left doing that a long time ago and doing it again doesn’t make me feel an adult… it only made me feel like some wild child on the loose. And since lesson learned the hard way, as always, I had been taught a good lesson when things started to get messy. So, after that mess, I started to focus on what’s really important.

Sometimes, losing yourself is the only way to find out what you really need in your life. So some people are asking me ‘Do you ever go out?’ uh.. Sure. I go out. When I’m in the mood to cook some food, when I want to shop in the mall, meet old friends. But other than that… I live a pretty healthy life of staying home doing my real thing; writing. (haha. That sounds funny. Writing. I’m mostly writing pinyin and to heck with the 4 tones. I will master you soon, sweatheart. You just wait. :)). )

Call me a boring person… but I take writing as a serious business. Okay, I’m not a saint that I would write all day, y’know? I’m not an addict yet. Close to it, I know some fun too. I sleep some time too. Oh yes, I live a very healthy conversation with people. In fact, if there’s anything healthy that I do, it’s talking to people. It’s my life. In the next life, I probably would have been better than Oprah… Then I remembered A guy called me fat, he said I need to go out more and do some exercise. I couldn’t sleep for days because of it. Does he even know what he said? Never, ever call a woman, fat. You could make her depress to the edge of death. Luckily… I’m a cheerful person.. and luckily he wasn’t in front of me when he said it or I would have strangled him. Big time. Never talk about weight to women. Ever. Period. Need I say more?

Anyway just to defend myself I AM NOT FAT. I stand 5 flat, weighing 45kg (haha I just guess that but I couldn’t be 50kg.. doubt it). I’m not even chubby. Man, if you want to be in my good list, forget my weight. It’s not like you’re gonna lift me or something. Or, are you? (lol just say so… I’m willing to give up dinner. lol) So the day ended with nothing happened. I had a bit of headache and no wonder about that… been reading too much lately… on to writing and then been distracted with something… and then there’s a bit of chance of being productive when you are in a bad mood.

That stupid feeling of sadness for letting go of something you never truly had? haha yes, that’s one of the reason why I go sleepless these days. It’s quite stupid for believing something that would never really happen. But then I always believe in the impossible. It’s my favorite hobby. I’m laughing with tears at the moment. oh wait, it’s not tears of joy. I’m actually in need of some sleep. haha..Wan an